there's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.

i'm going to write this blog, listen to some regina, and when i am finished i am going to god damn bed.
i am so sick of worrying about not going anywhere with things, getting pissed off by other peoples copy-catting actions, and issues with the opposite sex. i mean really though, where do you finally cross the line and say ok this is bogus, why am i dealing with this?

let me first start out with this opposite sex issue: you know what? i'm sick of being the one putting all the effort in. what the FUCK is it that you want out of me? am i just your fuck buddy? THEN ADMIT IT. i may sound damn sarcastic when i say it mid-lay but really i'm not even joking. i'd much rather you go get yourself off than have me be your cheap (psh, free) monogamous whore. i can't be nice about that anymore! but no, i will let it continue. i will receive that text that i say, well..why not? STUPID. stupid stupid stupid. ((man, i'm really hoping this nyquil kicks in..))

and this is the time where i declare that i need to focus on myself and that only. how long does that ever work for? not long at all. there is a constant need from other people that crawls hauntingly back into my life before i know it. that's another thing i am so sick of. "can you cut my hair tonight?" "can you take pictures tomorrow?" "can you do everything for me because i know that you just have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!". come ON. you know what would be cool? someone saying "take the day off, do what you want, you deserve it girl!". hell i'm lucky if i can even get a "have a great day!" out of someone on a not so regular basis. acknowledgement is something that has always lacked in my life. do i need to start complementing other people to get exactly that back? i just understand none of that.

i feel like buying something. thats so bad. i already went and spent a random $50 getting my nails shellac'ed tonight. they look pretty and better last long. anyhoo. amazon might just be calling my name. yup i'm going to go do that. bam. its been done. new memory card to be in my possession and some stuff for halloween.

time for bed. i promise someday i'll have something quality to blog about.

someday, somewhere, happiness will be found.

another one of those discouraging days.
days where i wonder yet again if i have made a stupid decision. a decision to start another job that i probably won't be completely satisfied by. a job that leads me to believe that i will never be satisfied anywhere i work unless its completely by myself. i just don't know what to fucking do.

i'm really getting discouraged with photography. this comes in phases. i hate work, i begin to become overly envious of other peoples' work with photog and think that i have no way in hell of making it. i know i have fans. i know i have people looking at my work. i don't have enough money to do this. its so freakin expensive. i have like 4 things on my wish list and its just not happening. if i don't get an external flash like ASAP i'm going to freak out. the image quality is simply not the same. its so so SO annoying. arghh.. i'm sure me getting my ass off the internet and reading a book, taking a bath or doing something more relaxing would solve all of this.

i just don't know what's up. but it's not my life right now thats for sure.

alright. i'm getting into bed or something. this is ridiculous because i know if i get any more memories/thoughts/ideas/etc. in my head, it will explode. that, or tears.

big black god.

so where do i begin on the topic of online dating? oh, i know..right there with that title.
nothing like getting a email that says "bigblackgod21 has messaged you..". alright sweet, lets see what "big black god" has to say...
"man your mighty fine for a white girl"
pshh..ok!? so i reply a "ha! thanks." only to get back an even more entertaining "girl you built for a black guy". again, umm ok?! too bad there's only mere headshots of me on there, but apparently he knows what my body is like? haha. so there's the first good one.
after cleaning all day today i of course landed right at my desk to waste countless hours accomplishing a whole lot of nothing on the internet. anyhoo, i ended up talking to this guy who explains that every girl he dates just ends up ditching him, blah blah blah. tells me how he doesn't like spending money on dates. really?! do you really think that's a good thing to tell a girl that you just 'met'? probably not. then he tells me how he needs a haircut and that at the gym today he was sweating all over the place. anddd thats when i cut him off. hello, really!?! you wonder why girls play the friendship card?! wow.

i'm not really sure why i'm even attempting to find a guy to date through that crap. when they ask if we can meet up sometime, i mostly reply with maybe. they always ask why i'm on the site and what i'm looking for. my god i don't even know the answers to those! umm..i'm here because i'm bored and want to be entertained. if some attractive guy somehow stumbles upon me, well hey! i'm in luck! otherwise no, i don't really care to meet you probably. one mistake i sometimes enjoy making is the "oh yeah you can text me here's my number..." because i'm too lazy to sit at my computer all night. that is followed with endless texts in which every sentence ends with an exclamation point. OK I GET IT. your happy or something. fuck. stop using that shit! i mean really there has GOT to be a better way of doing this thing!

on a different subject: i have been hoaxing myself into believing it is necessary to make a "5 year wisconsin plan", meaning that i will stay for another 5 years, see where i'm at and go from there. i feel like i'm totally restricting myself by doing that but maybe it's the discipline that i need. who knows! yeah, i'm going to think that one over a bit.

this song is meant for me

"tourist" by death cab for cutie. favorite line: a. freaking. men.

if you feel like a tourist in the city you were born then it's time to go define your own destination: there's so many different places to call home.

  a. freaking. men.

 

honestly, i'm being honest.

first let me start with this need item of mine:

make up forever's fuchsia (my god that word is hard to spell) satin lip stick. i had myself a little sample size of it and LOVED wearing it. i'm not sure where the hell it disappeared to and i should probably search for it before i go and spend money i don't have on a new one. BUT, damn i just love it. it's so daring but not red-lips-daring if you know what i mean.


anyhoo-
this post is supposed to be the one that i wanted to write the other day but instead i got high on shrooms with my brother, sister, and some of their friends. it was really an innocent thing. nothing like what i thought it'd be after hearing multiple stories from others' experiences. i actually didn't experience anything until i fell asleep and had some WICKED dreams and woke up at 3 am totally weirded out. very very odd thing. needless to say, i'm not longer afraid of trying them again. this time i wouldn't mind taking a little more of them and seeing things go crazy maybe? maybe i'm crazy for saying that? whatev.

so here's what i've wanted to talk about. i really need to just prove to myself that i am worthy. i feel like i fall behind doubting myself so much whether it comes to the douche bags (hot ones too, ugh) that i date, the fact i have to look at myself in a mirror all day at work and mentally scold myself for the intake of food i've had whilst doing nothing in the break room for 2 hours, the fact that i feel like i'm getting nowhere nor have any direction in my life, and that i'm just a whole lot bigger of a deal (physically and personally) than i think i am. so here's my tell all. my honest of honesty.

• i am often jealous of famous people (i.e. the kardashians) for all envious reasons. when people ask why i just cant explain how simple their lives look when you have money. i know money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure as hell pays the bills.
• i talk to my cat, a lot. i've had more than one person ask me who i'm talking to when i'm in another room as well as them wondering if i've gone crazy. i freaking love talking to her. i know she probably hates it.
• i really enjoy brushing my teeth but only in the morning. i know that's odd, but i just don't really like the way i wake up the morning after i've brushed. its gross and gooey. i'd rather brush for hours that morning to get all the other shit off. 
• i love earrings more than any other jewelry ever. after earrings comes rings. 
• i can't drink out of cups that smell. i will literally sniff them before using. if a plastic cups smells too plastic, dingy, residue-y, or anything of that extent=EW.
• i'm agnostic but often wonder if having faith would bring more hope and happiness to my life. i don't mind a church sermon every 5 years even.
• when i see married couples truly and happily in love, i wonder how that can even occur. i wonder what it must feel like and if its even possible. everything always in time will come.
• i can't stand illinois drivers. just thinking about them makes me cringe. FIBS fo life.
• i wish the doctor would misdiagnose/lie to me and tell me i had a disease in which i needed to lose weight. i feel like putting the notion into my brain just to kick my ass into gear. i know it sounds so bad but really...it would do something for me i swear. 
• i hope to god i don't jinx myself by what i just said.
• i joke about wanting to be a gypsy and just buy a vw van and drive all over doing hair, photography, and experiencing the world. i'm serious though. wouldn't that be so cool? if gas was free too? ha!
• i will never vote again. although i felt strong of my vote for obama during my first year voting, i feel i wasn't as responsible and should've looked deeper into more political aspects of it instead of public opinion. obama is a great man but i'm not sure i agree completely on everything nor will i ever with any other presidential candidate. they all have their downfalls. i will remain neutral. 
• as i've said before, i will always care more. i will always find a way to say sorry after i have ignored someone because THEY were the wrong ones and i just wanted closure even if it's not my fault. i will always still think about someone that i've given up. the good and the bad.
• i have to shut the shower curtain after i shower. if someone before me doesn't, it ticks me- bad.
• i wish i could find the place i could call "home". a place of content. its such a wonderful thought but a lost one at all costs.
• money makes me worry more than anything. sometimes its a good thing because when i think i'm barely scraping by i often find that my worries overcome those fears and i'm fine in the end. somehow i will always find a way to make ends meet (so far!).

alright. i'm cutting myself off at that one. its getting way too late and i'm done thinking at this point. more to come later? probably. most of this blogging is only read by myself in later years than anyone else on the inter web! 

everytime

i go to write a blog when i have this GENIUS idea, i end up reading 80 other ones first. my eyes then proceed to begging me to take my contacts out and my bed starts whispering my name.
SO, since this is happening yet again, i will declare that my next blog with be all about me. all my quirks and the most random shit that makes me. for some reason i feel its extremely important to put it all down and make myself realize that i am GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

no. more. games.

(i'll explain later..)

fired and hired.

yes ladies and gentlemen, true statement of my life as of a week ago.

shitty stupid shit went down with my previous job and well, i landed a killer one two days later. i am now prepping for my first day at my new career at a salon 20 minutes away from where i live. am i nervous? hell yes. am i anxious? yes and no. i'm supposed to be getting shit ready for tomorrow and making sure i'm mentally prepared but i guess you could say my way of doing that would be through blogging, editing photos, and listening to pandora. i mean come on, what gets more delicious than that (duh, cheesecake or something!)

now that only brings me to the fact that i've been eating like a pregnant lady lately. god pray i am not pregnant, ha! but really, i have paid no attention to any healthy aspect of food and nutrition lately. perhaps its because i've been surrounded by the best of the best, the creme de la creme.

well, i just got side tracked so i'm going to end this one before its midnight and i've accomplished nothing.here's a photo from today. my niece emilia in the foreground and cousin lily in background. i love this image so much.

blogging nights

just haven't been happening for this girl lately.
i mean, i'm missing them terribly. the delicious pandora stations while i write about random shit all of the time. maybe i'll get back to it, after i figure this tornado of a life out.
today i chose/didn't choose to leave my job. from my stand point, i quite frankly was driven out of that place. in a way, i have no problem with it what so ever. i was ready to be done there and move onto bigger and better things. but then again in this shit ass economy, how am i expected to pay bills when my boss basically pushes me out the door?! i know, it doesn't make sense and after endless facebook messages and emails, i can't even muster up words to try and explain anything anymore. i'm so done with it.

i just took a nice little bath and i'm going to finish that with laying in my bed and dozing off with hopefully only good things going through my brain.

goodnight moon.

whoops.

i've fallen off the blog wagon just a wee bit lately but wanted to recap my week:

currently i am indulging in a delicious bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, listening to my favorite pandora station, and checking up on my favorite bloggers (@Twenty Something's). this past week was pretty damn interesting. lately i have really sucked at being social. i get myself into a social gathering and find myself wearing a blank, lifeless face with no desire to converse with anyone. so wednesday night i decided to go out for a beer via invite through my friend jake. i thought eh, why not. i can flirt with him a bit, rip on him, have a beer, and scope out the sketchy crowd in this pathetic town. so i did. my friend marisa was out which was nice too, so of course i ended up drinking more than i had bargained for.

amongst my anti-socialness, i happened to be sitting next to a quite attractive brunette guy who was intently watching the mavs v.s. lakers game. he had apologized for not talking much and that it was because he was very into the game. i replied with some cocky remark something along the lines of "i really don't mind." ha! i still laugh thinking about that. at one point he had stepped away and my friend jake was next to me. i asked him who that guy is and he told me it is his roommate brent. one german beer in and i openly say "why didn't you introduce me to him earlier?!?! he's hot!" haha. so from there on it was my joke to say something about how he was sexy, that i liked his hair, his nose, and wanted to touch him (only saying these things to jake and marisa, however). i didn't really talk to him at all that night even but something sparked that night at a little post-bar drinking. welp, i most definitely got my moment with him and seized it. thinking nothing of anything that had happened, i debated leaving him while he was sleeping just so i didn't have to deal with all of that "oh hey, remember me..yeahhh we were really drunk..." embarrassing morning after bullshit. i didn't end up leaving, but told him how i was thinking of doing so and he just thought that was crazy. "what if i were to see you out again...holy awkward.." haha! yes, i suppose.

so friday night i get a little text message "hey this is brent.." badabing, BADABOOM! alyssa just made a fucking comeback. put that down in the books! after all of the bullshit i have and haven't put myself through with dumbass jonathan, i thought this was the least i deserved. so here i am, one more night after that of hanging out with him and having developed a little crushy on the adorable kid. bad thing? he's a taurus. we all know how taurus' roll...thank god im a gemini! haha. anyhoo, i am taking things moment by moment, not putting myself out there for anything and if this guy decides he wants me around, so be it. i'll have him around- he's cute as fuck!

good news from ME!?! weird huh? yeahhhhhh. i'll try to cut down on my crying and/or drunkness blogging from now on.

peace to ya!

i fucking hate everything.

tonight after fucking 20 minutes my car got hit by some fucking asshole that decided it was necessary to try to pull his trailer attached to a truck through a tight parking lot of cars. yup, my car was the one that got hit. fucking scratched, dented, ruined all down the right side. i am FUCKING IRATE. this is the first fucking car i've owned and payed EVER SINGLE DIME towards and BAM! has got hit by TWO retards in consecutive 6 months each. I am not one to be such a debbie downer but wow. i can clearly state after this week that fuck. my. life. i have cried my fucking eyes out all week with the heartbreak of stupid jonathan and his stupidity of choosing to bring me into his life again. my saturday night comes-

i cant even fucking type this without being fucking IN RAGE! i have to shake it out every 10 seconds. fuck i should not have left this house tonight. why. the fuck. did I?!!?! god damnit. i know compared to shit in this world right now this situation is so minor, but really- what THE FUCK!

i can't do it anymore.

here it goes again.

the tears. streaming endlessly down my face. i don't know whats going on with me lately. i am fully aware of the fact that there are people out there suffering way worse than any amount of shit i am going through lately, but i can't seem to grasp it all.
i feel like i am waiting for someone to scoop me up and rescue me. to throw me a better job. to bring that perfect man into my life. both of which i know are either someone i will need to wait for or change myself. is it fair to say i feel as if all hope is lost?
tonight i went out and hung around people that i would never imagine i would spend a thursday night being with. i've been sick of my same scene of being by myself in my bedroom, sitting on my fatass stalking peoples' blogs or constantly photo editing. it was nice to get out. talk to randoms. but i am lacking some serious intelligent conversation. i swear. and i have no fucking idea what will be the relief of all of this.
basically, i want to crawl in a hole and bring my cat with me.

i know i need to breathe. but what else can one do when you have no direction at all?

the red brick wall between you and i.

and the answer that your seeking, for the question that you found, drives you further into confusion as you lose your sense of ground. so don't forget to breathe. your whole life is here.

today was my day to decide that the waiting game is over. i will no longer waste my time caring about someone that couldn't spare a second or two of his time to care back. i will dismiss the way he made me feel from the moment he first found me again to the day i saw him walk out my door. i do not want to even utter the word regret, because it damn well isn't one. it was a lesson. i will always put my feelings on the line, care more, and give a damn. i will no longer fall for temptation. i will return to my selfish way of life.

because who else do i have when there is nothing? me, myself, and i.

i am trying to breathe, focus on the moment, dream, think of better days ahead of me. i wish i could go swimming right now. something is so theraputic about submerging my whole body into a mass of water. the rush of blood to your head as the cold water sends chills down your spine. the big inhale of crisp air when you resurface. refreshing, it all is. i need a little bit of that. 

i will end it with that before i get on a tangent about the random plans moving through my brainwaves. goodnight. and sorry for the bad news.

all hail april...

thats right. its HAILING in wisconsin today. hail, thunder, snow, rain, sleet, shit shit shit shit.
its so disgusting. it puts my bi polar mood into complete spins. today i was supposed to start this nutrilife stuff i got from my aunt and uncle (basically a meal replacement program thing). i did one shake this morning with about 6 blackberries blended into it. the top was frothy and BLEH, i get the bad chills just thinking about it. so what did i do instead of keeping up with that today? i ordered a pizza hut pizza and wings. and anihilated it. mother fuck.
seriously. i need to get a hold on myself. my emotions have been all over the place lately and i partly blame it on my new perscription to ward off babies and bad pms. it gives me no god damn excuse to be eating like a heffer. the gym is calling my name- ALLYYYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAAAA im only like 5 blocks awayyyyyyy!
rah.

more water. less food. more water. better food. more water. more exercise.
all together now!
just kidding.

ok i really need to be finishing editing photos even though i go crazy when my laptop works like a dinosaur on me!

cat lady.

have you ever watched a cat clean itself? i mean i guess this could go for any animal really, but i'm using veda as my example.
it's kind of amazing in a way. (yes, this is a little bit of wine talking)
you almost wonder how the hell they know how to clean themselves like that. lifting their paw to their chin, licking it, and proceeding to swipe it over the top of their ears and eyes.
i mean they never were taught from their "parents" on how to do that. isn't that really the only way they can learn things like that? or do they just decide one day- "hey, i think this will work if i sit in weird positions, lick my arm, throw my head over my shoulder and lick my back while rubbing my head with my arm."?

hmm..just a crazy and very random thought. but hey, i am also the girl who asks-
"i wonder what it feels like to be the last vegetable picked. like the one that everyone picks up, observes, then throws back with a disappointing look on their face. the one to just get thrown out because they weren't up to par with the others."

haha um, well, i think i've been that person once. in a different way. a non-vegetably way.

this is when i stop with these thoughts and take another swig of wine.

chaotic dreaming (no sleeping aids involved)

last night as i drifted into sleep, i had set my alarm to a decent early time so that i could 'snooze' it for about an hour after. i woke up to it this morning, decided to set it for an hour later, and over two hours later woke to the sound of birds and the sun trying to stream through my curtains. i looked at the clock- 8:51. fucking wonderful, i have to be at work in 9 minutes. thank goodness its my monday because i called work to tell them only to find out it was no big deal, my first client wasn't until 11 anyway.

when i got to work i tried remembering why the hell i slept for so long after that first alarm had gone off. yes, i was extremely over tired from a crazy awesome weekend, but i'm not usually the type to run late (i have a great mental clock). i had been dreaming about denver. i was on 16th street where i had walked every single day of working downtown denver. there were some really crazy things going on, buildings and staircases moving like i was in harry potter or something. this is the second time i've dreamed of denver like this. how when i went to go back i seemed to be lost in chaos. i also remembering trying to board a flight to somewhere. the line to the security was out in the open and surrounded by water. i tried to walk across a pier to make it there. the pier was falling apart and people were starting to freak out. naturally since i am afraid of drowning, i decided to not even try to cross it even more. there was a girl that had dropped her shoe in the water and they were searching for it because apparently she desperately needed that one shoe or security wouldn't let her board the flight.

and that's all i remember really.

so what is the meaning behind all of that madness? i know that i plan to board a flight sometime in june, so is there something here telling me that its not going to be possible? weird. i mean, i'm not positive about anything coming up in the future (because how can you really be?) but i find it all very ironic. and damnit, i sure hope it doesn't involve drowning! maybe it has something to do with sacrificing? i really have no idea.

the post you have all been waiting for...

it happened. the day came. the anticipation built up so crazy that i was shaking from nervousness.
let me throw a couple of words out there:

• complete.
• magical.
• perfect.
• dreamy.
• beautifully unbelievable.

the day started terribly hungover from drinking god knows what in milwaukee at the brewer game saturday night. i rushed to get home, rushed to shower, knocked a picture frame off the wall causing it to shatter because i was moving too fast only come to find out the silly bugger was running late anyway. i tried so hard to settle my nerves and just breathe. i was quite thankful my roommates were around to hear them talk about their drunken adventures from the night before to keep my mind off of the moment. then there it was- DING DONG. hoollllyyyy shiiiiiitttttt! i was so hoping it was one of my roommates pulling a joke on me. i walked down the stairs, glanced through the blinds, and opened the door a crack with a shaky smile on my face and in a low voice said- "hiiiii!"
there he was, right there. i had to remind myself that this was real life.
we hugged so tightly and there he went, his face attempting to turn to lock lips with my own. i must say, that first attempt didn't quite work. i backed away a little, held him, smiled and said yet another something shaky along the lines of "i can't believe you're here." and then we kissed. 
the touching didn't stop. he romantically would find a spot to put his hand. to have our bodies touch constantly. it all felt so good and so normal. like it hadn't been 2 years since i last saw him. there was no difference, besides the fact that i was making out with my ex boss- ha!
we chilled, toured sauk de city (wooo), made a cute dinner of thin crust pizza with slices of tomato and portabella shrooms with a nice side salad. as i had guessed, he laughed at our supply of kitchen utensils. "you guys need some nice knives...". ha. my god i just loved watching him there in my pathetic kitchen, making me dinner, listening to the avett brothers on pandora, and drinking red wine. i could definitely get used to that. played some mario kart, wii bowling and golf, and giggled together. he said how that was maybe his third time playing the wii at all, as he was schooling me in all of the games we played. man how nice it would have been to record all of the things we talked about. i'm trying so hard to recall everything.

everything just seemed so right. the timing, the waiting game, the everything. honestly for as much bad luck i seem to think i have, what the fuck were the chances that that situation turned out so beautifully? i didn't get any sleep last night. i literally tossed and turned all night hoping to be able to score a more comfortable cuddle pose with him. i hope i didn't come off needy, but having him that close just felt so good. this morning seeing him go was extremely hard. i had been anticipating it all morning which i know i shouldn't have, but it was hard not to. it seemed like he had just got here, that i just answered that door to see him standing behind it. there it was already. him gathering his belongings, freshening up a bit, and the both of us walking to go downstairs to the door. we hugged, kissed, and i told him how much i was going to miss him and that i was probably going to cry. we both in low voices yet again, said our goodbyes.

i turned to go back upstairs and my tear ducts started to fill. i walked into my room and looked at the bed in which we had just shared a nights rest. i cried. there i was fucking crying. ME! about a guy! it happened. my feelings are so fucking crazy for him that i can't even bare to see him leave me like that. yes, he had a flight to catch, but man that was hard. i pressed my nose to the pillow he had slept on trying to get every last scent of him. and there i cried, more and more. i preceded to spend all day being a little mopey. i really am not normally like that but things have just changed. i care a lot about him. i actually want to BE around a man for once, give him my all.

ahhhhhh. so here i will sit for another couple of months and wait. i'm fairly sure i'll be flying out to see him maybe in june but i can't really call the shots on that yet. for pete's sake, i don't even know how he feels about all of this. (by his amount of affection, i would think he felt the same, but you really never know). 

that's really all, folks!

6 days! holy holy 6 days!

that's all! only 6! isn't that nuts?!
i should be at the gym pumpin some iron and running this booty off, but instead i'm being quite lazy in this disgusting wisconsin weather. but hey, it's my day off so thats what i'm supposed to do right?

so yeah. it's almost here and it is so incredibly unbelievable. i'm sure you can tell, i've kept my head up. stopped being so needy. of course it's been hard but days go by reallll fast. now i'm at the point where i'm starting to get extremely nervous. trying to look around the house and fix every little thing to be perfect for when he comes, despite the fact i know he probably won't notice half of that anyway. but second impressions are probably important too. and then that leads me to "what should i wear?". i did some mild shopping yesterday just to see if anything stood out and it was one big epic fail shopping day. oh well. i mean i guess it was probably meant to be like that so that i don't get too over planned about all of this. because really, its completely unnecessary.

i'm also going to a brewer game saturday with all of my faves and i'm REALLY excited for that! i'm crossing my fingers for good weather so that we don't freeze our asses off or get poured on.  who knows this time of year. i just got 2 more shirts in the mail so now i have a grand total of three and i can't decide which one to wear! they're all adorable though (of course!).


alright, on to my daily duties. ciao!

8 days.

i can't believe that. i can't believe that i can say that there's only EIGHT DAYS.
i'm so extremely nervous/excited/intimidated/etc/etc/etc. i think the last time i felt this way was when i was in high school, counting down the days til my europe trip on a dry-erase board. it's a good and scary feeling all in one.

it is all too crazy to think that my life could take a turn for the extremely best or just leave it where it was in the past. one thing i know i will get out of it is a learning experience. that i have done SO WELL with patience and not getting too ahead of myself. i know that when we first started talking i was a little in over my head, in such a fantasy way. it's fun to dream like that but it's also good to bring yourself back to reality and remain neutral about everything. oh man lyss, you have been SO good.


here it is, coming next week. how the fuck does one prepare? i mean i guess you don't. i guess you just go with the flow and assume everything will go well. but then you start to think of every single moment of the day. "how will i look?" "what should i wear?" "whats the first thing i'll say to him?" you think of everything.

i just looked back at those pictures of him and his ex from that weekend in february that i freaked out about- wow. i deciphered everything extremely incorrectly. his smile is so forced. so "i wish she wasn't here" (?). i can't believe i thought all the shit i did. but i guess times get rough and complicated and confusing.




but its ok. it really is.
i'm going to go to bed now. i think ;)

2 months, 20 days.

since the first day i was graced by the presence of jonathan back in my life.
weird.

i like reading those posts i wrote. it makes me realize that i need to keep my patience with him, not get so mad, upset, doubtful. thats quite the difficult thing to do when he is yet to realize that the only form of communication we have really is the telephone. it's always "my phones off" or "ive been really busy". well guess what? this girl's busy too. i may be busy but damnit by the end of the day, you are the one person i want to communicate with. thats a god damn privilege whether or not you know it.

at this point, giving up is not an option. i, we, have come this far. what would the point of stopping be? i will never know if things could've progressed, what our future could hold, what our future can't hold, etc. so yup. no point in ending it all even though the insane amount of frustration i have been experiencing pretty much ever since he broke up with the "ex".
it's like now that he has me, he doesn't need to talk to me as much anymore. how do you explain to someone that here i am, patiently waiting, having no interest in other men, and being a girl about everything? its all ridiculous shit that i don't want to deal with.

i hope something good comes of this. i cannot say i have "wasted" time, but i sure have been a fucking trooper.

peace.

issues.

i seem to be having some issues this evening. here's the list:

1)i came across a picture from the summer i graduated high school. ok YES, everyone wants to be in the way they were then- thinner, prettier, better skin, great hair, etc. and here i am, the heaviest i've been and trying to do something about it. trying to eat better, trying to work out and find motivation, trying to be good. i know results don't show in a short amount of time but any little sign could be a huge confidence boost.
2)i got a speeding ticket yesterday. that sucked. but somehow the $225 ticket really hasn't set in yet. the coincidence? i got my state return yesterday and BAM! they knew. he was like "yes!! i get part of this bitch's money! WOOOO!" fuck. i feel like i didn't really commit a crime, or traffic violation rather. it just wasn't well, threatening to anyone but myself. whatever.
3)again, the lack of conversation with jon in my life crushes the shit out of me. is that new to anyone that doesn't read this blog? no. i haven't spoke verbally to him since LAST monday. it seems like eternity. we've text here and there but no way in hell does that compare to a real conversation. fuck it all. i've said this a gazillion times.
4)priorities: how the hell do i line everything up? how do i forget that money is just an object? how do i sort important from unimportant? sorry for the cussing, but where the fuck do i start?
5)is this all just pms and i'm fooling myself? could it be?! probably. because i am just so lucky to have 2 weeks out of the month where my mood is completely questionable and bipolar. it simply is unfair. men do not go through half the shit we do and im god damn sick of it. haha!
6)hey "spring ahead" you SUCK. i've been so thrown off in the evening..ohhh its probably only 4 o'clock. OH WAIT. nope. it's 5. wow. then i'll be up until 3 am like its no big deal. and when morning comes? hell if i'm waking up! it's only 8 am! OH WAIT. just kidding.
7)my cat is being a bitch and i'm becoming aggravated at her. she likes to throw her paws out to my face like shes going to swat me and she has the most treacherous pointy claws ever that i refuse to attempt to clip because i know she'll be a little bitch. i'm honestly afraid to pet her sometimes because she just has this evil glare in her eyes (i say this as she's got her leg up chicken position and is innocently gnawing at her knee(?)bone on her back leg). god damn shes so cute. and such a bitch.
8)i've had like 4 people this week ask me when i'm moving back to colorado. that sounds like such a sweet, sweet idea. i miss it terribly there. there are so many pro's about it out there. and a small list of cons. but so beafuckingutiful. i've had clients encourage me to do what i want. go where i want. live the life i want. but there are so many ridiculous, unnecessary obstacles that are standing in the way waiting for me to knock out the shit out of them.
9)i need a mentor. i need to seek some guidance from a good source. i shall do that soon.
10)i'm just fucking weird.

thats about all i have to say.

selfish.

self·ish

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

today amongst my wandering throughout the third ward in milwaukee, i came to a conclusion. this so called "selfishness" that i've seemed to label the way i am lately, is a good thing.
why?
because i spend all week giving my all to others, making sure their image is top notch and that their confidence is at its max. i schedule my life around them and make sure their needs are fulfilled. so at the end of the week, who do i have? myself. it's when the world stops spinning and i get a chance to breathe a little. to soak in the freedom, digest, and shake off the happenings of the week. i am rarely in a bad mood when i get that opportunity to enjoy what i have around me. i am at complete ease when i can have my camera around my neck, a hot beverage in my hand, and all the options in the world standing before me with open arms. to smile, to laugh in the company of people i love and care deeply for, and to be selfish.



my dose of selfishness today- gerbera daisies.

((oh and, sorry about the freak out post last tuesday. i had a TERRIBLE day wednesday due to that and it was not a cool feeling at all. i'm fine and still kicking.))

fuck.

why did i just do that?
why did i just see that?
why did i just facebook stalk that?
mother FUCK.


i just crushed myself to pieces within a whole mere 2 minutes.

i found what i didn't want to find. i saw something i didn't want to see. i feel like i just ruined so many things for myself. yet deep down, i know i'm fine.

i went to simply look at some pictures of jon on his facebook when i ran into some newly tagged ones as of the middle of february of his little weekend vacay to his aunt and uncles beach house.

there she was, the ex, perched on the arm of the chair with him. i didn't know who he spent that weekend with and really have no right to be upset but wow. this just hit me like a ton of unexpected bricks.

why must i feel so torn by this? so ruined? it makes no sense at all but all i want to do is cry. there is this doubt creeping through my bloodstream and into my brain. this unfair, sick feeling. i need to not take this the wrong way but can't help but feel like this. i was just about to text him to call me tonight when he got done working because i miss him so fucking much then BAM- one wrong quick decision to feed myself a photographic memory of his face.

god. damnit.

what. is. my. fucking. issue?

stories of a long ass weekend

woah! so here i am. i survived a chaotic/fun/amazing weekend behind the shutter of my camera.

it was weird, this time photographing a wedding, when i took the camera away from my face i didn't feel as if the whole world got huge in front of me. (looking through a view finder for hours on end can make you a little dizzy).

so lets recap. i've got a couple stories.

1) a beautiful wedding

2) intriguing/weirdo tall guy

3) good news on the romance front

4) a naughty new purchase

here goes:

1) this weekend i was honored to be able to capture the wedding day of my 3rd cousin and her now husband, brandon. as usual i was nervous as hell but excited at the same time. the day started off moving kind of slow, but before we knew it it was time to do formal shots in the church. now the real big negative of the day was that the pastor wouldn't let us take practically ANY photos of the ceremony. "i don't like the clicking noise that it makes the whole time". um ok? thats called the click of a shutter..kind of essential when well..photographing. so yeah, he was a big pain in the ass but whatever. on a side note: i photographed the wedding with my friend sam, a part-time photographer that does amazing and similar work as myself. we were both slightly panicked when we were told ceremony pictures were limited (fuck!). we got as many as we could and it seemed to be ok. after the ceremony the couple invited us to join the wedding party on their school bus. this worked awesomely because it was snowing buckets and my car drives like shit in wisconsin weather. it seemed like everything turned out so pretty in a very relaxed manner. i had some sort of doubt that i wouldn't have enough good photos, but after hours of editing, i have proven myself wrong. woooo! so it went awesome! here's a pic :)

2) at the wedding there were these insanely huge (tall) men there. now i really wasn't doing too much socializing due to the fact i was supposed to be capturing moments throughout the reception. so later on when the dance started, i had my camera on the dance floor taking shots when one of the huge guys came up to me and asked if he could take a picture. im pretty damn protective so i was like "ok, as long as i can monitor you". so i did as he got these practically ceiling shots. he started to talk to me, was nice and rather interesting. after some point, we went our separate ways and i retired my camera for the night. then it was time for me to hit the bar. i was so exhausted from getting little sleep and shooting the wedding all day that a drink was really the last thing on my mind. but eh, i drank anyway. things weren't looking up so i decided to stop and did a little resting at a near by table. then there came tall boy again. sat down by me, and did a little more mingling. he had an interesting way of talking to me. said "touche" a lot and seemed to really get into my head. he wanted to take a picture of me and i said no but eventually let him. at one point he said how i should stay and hang out with him and i kept saying "i am right now. im hanging out with you" because i really did not want to deal with this drunken fool for much longer. so there he sat, picking my brain until eventually he said something along the lines of "i like you." and the only response i had was "thank you."he kept assuming i didnt like him back and i really didnt have much to follow up with that because come on dude, i just met you! theres no way in HELL i like you back. ha! i decided later to go out with everyone after the reception was done. then tall boy continued to "like me" but was acting reallllll drunk at that point. i mingled with some people and wound up by him yet again by the end of the night. i had about 4 people come up to me and say 'he likes you, you should talk to him'. really dude?!? REALLY!?!? come on... but i gave in. gave him some of my time. where'd that get me? it got me to having this guy who is like twice as tall as me (i'm 5'4) grabbing my face and pulling me in for a violent kiss.

yes, violent kiss. it was intriguing. it was odd. it was demanding and abusive. it was just all too wrong. of course i don't mind a good makeout sesh, but not in front of people in a bar or with a guy that was obviously not my type. but whatever. it kept happening. he kept picking my brain, kept calling me babe, and kept sucking face withme. my mind was twisted with emotion. confused and not confused at the same time. a really fucking weird feeling. and then...

3) jon text me sunday morning. he officially ended things with "the girl". there it was- what i've been waiting for and for some reason, couldn't find the right emotion that day. why did i feel so different? different in a mediocre way? why didn't i feel fucking FABULOUS?! he's MINE now. isn't this the part of the movie where i go running through daisy fields and rejoice in a love song? hmm..i seemed to have cut that part out. when he called later that night, i had this nervous tick. this urge to not answer because i just fucking couldnt. but i didn't. i answered and was flustered and nervous. the conversation wasgood but i still had that weird feeling.

maybe this is a feeling of being content? a feeling that things are right in my universe? its time to start looking up, girlfriend. and that i will attempt to do. why? because hes MINE. well.. kind of ;)

4) dun dun DUNNNNNN!!!!!

i am typing this new blog on a new little gadget i purhi'ed today. not so little gadget i should say. what is this little thing of mine? a brand spankin new iMac 21.5" puter. whoops! and its fucking beautiful. and huge. and ifuckingdeal for photo editing. its so in-your-face its delicious.

me=happy girl. watch out.

((oh and, maris- love you girl. thanks for reading))

wedding madness

ahhhh! so im photographing my cousins wedding in a mere two days! the preparation has been kind of hectic and is feeling a bit last minute-ish.

but the weird thing? i feel like the actual day will be relatively calm! she's so easy going its ridiculous. literally is letting ME pick the location for her outdoor shots. i'm all.."ok?!?! are you sure!?!?" hah! the one thing i'm a bit frantic about is the snow here and them having to trek through it all. but oh well, she said she'd tell em to bring their boots. that makes for a fun shot!

wish me luck! i can't wait to post some photos!

back burner lover.

is my new alias.

just when you think your doing so good swimming upstream, something pulls your legs and tugs you right backwards leaving you to choke on the overwhelming amount of water being rushed into your mouth.
that's kind of how i feel. i mean, not as brutal as that all sounds but you could pretty much say thats whats happening to my love life. wait, what love life?

after waiting about 11 long days, i finally got some communication from jon. i wouldn't say it was what i wanted to hear but at least i got to hear SOMETHING. the story seems to be interpreted something like this:
J:" i'm sorry i haven't talked to you in a while. im trying to figure stuff out here that i have to take care of before i can be with you fully."
A: "thats fine but just don't leave me dragging behind. i don't enjoy not knowing whats going on."
J: "i know and i feel bad about it. i just wouldn't want whats going on to leave our relationship tainted."
A: "well i'll just move on with my life like how i was before you came back into it, i just won't be as happy. i just fucking miss you is all."
J: "i miss you terribly."

or something like that.
so yup. that's all i got to hear. after 11 days. i'm not sure really whats left but a little bit of hope. i will continue on with my life until i get to see him in april and hope to god damner that there will be that "connection" like we think there is. i just can't fucking bear not hearing from him, hearing his voice, his little text messages. i feel like i'm being completely shut out. obviously for all good reasons (does that make sense?) because he has some unfinished business to take care of.

i had a friend who is struggling in her marriage ask me- "your SO confident! how do you do it?!"
the joke with that is that in fact, i'm not really all that confident. but this is how i replied-
"i'm selfish. i do things for myself to make myself happy."
and its true.
while i sit here and wait, ever so impatiently, to have jon FULLY back in my life. i'll continue to do things only for myself while caring about those who i love around me. i will try to keep my head up. i will blare nicki minaj in my headphones and love every bit of it.

and all the advice i can give to him is:
don't forget to remember me.

tax time.

well jeepers, if i wasn't so obsessed with amazon i might just decide it's time for a weekly update.

what a beautiful morning it was. well, kind of. woke up feeling sick, groggy throat, no motivation, the usual this time of year. i got ready for work and decided a mere 10 minutes before needing to leave to check my bank account to see if i had any sort of cash flow available.
BADA BING BADA BOOM!
and i'm sitting here thinking "WHAT!?!?! HOW? what?!?!...ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
tax return. beautiful, glorious tax return.

so what did i do in under ten minutes?
i bought this:

my camera has been crushing on this item since seeing some killer photos a friend in denver has captured with it. i NEEDED IT. and well, i didn't even have to get myself into debt by purchasing it. (whew). but wow, an insane amount of money in under ten minutes that i've ever spent.

hmm..the packers won on sunday. how sweet is that? the last time i remember something epic happening in packer history was when brett decided to stop being a girl and not join the team again for the 8th time. no..actually it was when the packers last went to the superbowl in '97. i was a whole like 10 years old. something like that. but hey, way to go pack!

i've been sleeping like such shit lately that i wouldn't mind just one blissful night of zzz's. last night i took a sleep aid which only made my dreams all wicked and kept my brain pondering the madness of them. how rude.

hey, tomorrow is friday. that's awesome. saturday i am headed to milwaukee to show the bars who's boss and dance my pants off (well, not literally i hope). it will be filled to the brim with alcohol and jimmy john's. but hey, i'm not complaining. and my lens will be here saturday! so i just might have to go on a little photo hunt too :)

the days just go faster and faster without jon here. it's both good and bad. he'll be back to visit so soon it'll be ridiculous. so sleep time it is...

i'm too eager

to not post this until tomorrow:

i was at the family dollar store today when i came across these bed sheets. i would never sleep on them, but i'm a sucker for this pattern. so what did i do? i used the fitted sheet to cover my box spring on my bed, used the two pillow cases to switch up my bed a little, and made curtain's out of the top sheet! how cool is that?!?!


and what did i sew it and tie back the curtains with? well, just this little guy!:


pretty awesome i think! alright, so i've been up since about 7 am, worked pretty much all day and have been completely exhausted. i think it's time to hit the sheets. my just washed, delicious jersey sheeted bed. yum. i hope you all are enjoying your weekend. <3

fantastic little future.

ahead of this girl.
yesterday i talked to jonathan and he said he officially booked his flight to visit in april. he'll be coming on a thursday and staying til wednesday the next week. sunday/monday he'll be driving here to see me. i was like reallllyyyy!??! you don't have to come to this boring little town. i'd gladly go to milwaukee to see him. that sounds more appetizing than this place. maybe it'd be nice to do some things there, i'll have to talk him in to that. it's SO exciting to imagine seeing him and spending time with him. but the thought of having to see him leave is going to be a real heartbreaker.
we're both so excited and nervous at the same time. which i think is all the more exciting. i don't have many doubts because shit, if the chemistry really isn't there, that makes for one awkward ass visit, doesn't it?!?! we both don't see that happening, please cross your fingers for us.

so these next two months i need to get my ass to a gym..literally. my calendar is relatively full thus far so it's nice that before i know it it'll be march. fakwjeflkajwflek!!!! exciting!
((my a.d.d. talking))
wouldn't it be weird if i were a twin? i mean i kind of am because of my gemini-ness. but this picture really made me be like yikes...we'd be quite the handful-



and on a final note that i forgot about: tonight i had one of my male clients who is pretty cool shit, and he mentioned something about having a girlfriend which was news to me. so later on asked him if that was new. he said yes, that they'd known eachother a while, work together now, and he was pursuing her and she was pursuing him but he had no idea (typical). then i brought up "did i ever tell you about me working in milwaukee?" and he said yeah, and about the boss/chef i worked with that i had a total crush on and kind of had a missed opportunity with. i was like "YES!!!! THAT GUY! he found me on facebook!!!!!" and went into details on that whole story. he was really excited for me as i was excited for his situation.
when he left the salon he walked out the door and said "congratulations". for a minute i was like "what for?!" and then realized what he was congratulating me on. happiness. getting a second chance.
it made me feel so good for someone to say that to me the way he did. he truly meant it. he had found his happiness and i had found mine.

what a beautiful, interesting year it shall be.

family affair

so amongst my wedding planning yesterday, i totally forgot about something i wanted to blog about.
as i ventured out into the shitty wisconsin weather (pre snowstorm in fact), i had to make my way to the bank to put my check in my account. i always leave my window down no matter how cold it is because it makes me think i'll get done faster. while filling out my deposit slip, i heard the other teller say "thank you jordan, how would you like your cash?"..for some reason i automatically decided to look to the right of me to this someone named 'jordan'. to my surprise it was in fact my half brother jordan on my sperm donor's side of the family. i got really nervous really fast. here i was right next to someone that shared half of the same blood supply as my own. i hadn't seen him in quite some time but always remembered his eyes because they are exactly the same as my own. now most people probably would never guess that he would be my brother, those that know me. i think it's probably due to the fact that they don't really know my full family history/story and have only known me for my sisters and brother i grew up with and consider my whole. i can imagine how that would be odd to some. so anyhoo- it almost made me cry having him next to me like that. there we were, like complete strangers to one another. he now has a son wyatt, with someone from our town whom i run into here and there. i told her how i'd love to meet him someday. its hard for me to imagine not knowing my nieces emilia, maris, mara and nephews isaac and adam. being a stranger to them would ruin me. i almost feel as if its an obligation to stay connected with my other half siblings. i've always wondered what it'd be like to be apart of their lives.


another family affair situation.
one of my best friends family is going through a very difficult time having an uncle, father, husband, and brother on his last end of battling cancer. i think about it a lot and have tried to do as much as i can for her mom to help her stress through the weeks to come. i'm very sensitive about the "c" word, so at any chance i get very emotional and want to do anything to help. i have kept saying "i wonder how my grandma is doing.." and thinking that its horrible i don't know whats been going on lately. moving back from colorado i had high hopes to make sure to spend time with her since i would be home again. i love her very dearly but never have been able to develop a deeper connection with her the way i was with my great grandma mayme (her mother who also passed from cancer). so this evening i received an email forwarded from my uncle about her latest doctor visit.
((god i get so sad and mad and teary when i have to read emails, good news or bad, its just so hard to hear))
they said how her conditions remain stable and the tumor is not making forward or reverse progress. she has had some black spots on her lungs that might have just been liquid and that they aren't going away like we'd hoped. the doctor also said how although her tumor is stable right now, the tumor most likely will not disappear and there is a chance it will start to grow someday.
ugh god that last part just broke me.
how does anyone accept the fact that there is a monster inside a loved one that will be the reason they will be taken from us? all you can do is hope for a better tomorrow. hope that in the future, losing loved ones to such an ugly disease will be a rare thing instead of today where a survival rate is rare.
and another thing i hope for, is that this year pancreatic cancer research gets more of a spotlight and more companies/brands/everyone show their support to better pancreatic research.

a girl can dream...

so today as i've been looking through lots and lots of photographer and wedding planners' websites and blogs, i've come across SO MANY photos of things that i want for my someday possible wedding. i first started my little wedding interest around the end of december when i came across this photo (that i am unable to save to my computer):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/one_love_photo/3352535877/in/faves-amaierphotography/

so here are all of my ideas since im such a victorian freak and i think its truly because i am an old god damn soul! (and hey! i love that :) ) and really though, this is all just a dream i am not intending on getting married ANY TIME SOON! im too much of an independent bia.



probably the best guestbook i've seen- a 'wishing tree' in which each guest wishes the new couple things for their journey together. ahhhhhh!



teapot center pieces! i will make thrift stores my bitch searching for these things someday:

it's hard to see her dress completely but it looks so pretty!

I LOVE this hairpiece. I've always liked the net over the face, but I like how this one is more of a side piece with flowers too.



smaller flowers these ones are a bit overwhelming

so after all these outside ideas it must mean i'd someday like an outdoor wedding.


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genius. wedding favors are usually a bore. such a waste of money and usually tacky unless its something customized and tasty- like this! it'd be awesome to actually make the wine that is bottled too.

i really love these clothes line ideas.


cake table=adorable

gray or blue

Don't second guess your feelings you were right form the start

and i notice she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart

This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars

But i think it's very dangerous if we do not take what's ours

make it happen

these are my thoughts today:
-i want you to make me tiramisu. good, amazing, delicious tiramisu. and i want you to feed it to me.
-i want you to end things now with this girl. it's not fair to her and not fair to me. i want you to be mine completely and i'm sick of just talking about it and not having it happen. i know it may be hard for you and that you are probably just trying to avoid it. i'm not sure if that is working so well. it just has to happen and im sorry.
-if you are as ready for this as i think i am, then please lets try. the distance will be both bearble and unbearable as we progress into this. once we get to see each other who knows what this could all be like. as much as i know and anticipate it to go over well, i'm not sure what i'd do if it didn't. i am aware that i'm getting my hopes up and promising myself a connection that may not be there. i don't see this happening somehow. i have the most bizarre confidence about it all.
- i am loving this dream of loving you. i eat it all up with a big invisible spoon. you absolutely swoon me and make me think/know there is someone out there waiting for me whom i've already known for 3 years. its a beautiful thing.

a beautifully difficult thing.

{blank}

god damnit.








i am so happy
this is fucking ridiculous. in the most happy way ever possible.
i can't even spell.


what the fuck is going on with me.




tears are literally streaming down my face. this could be due to the fact that i've drank a lot of Red Stripe and Woodchuck tonight, but I've never cried like this.


this is the happiest cry I've ever cried.

it's just crazy for me to think....


that i'm in love

what do you do..

when your not sure whatto do?
you go to culvers, you order 4 chicken strips, an order of cheesecurds, and brocolli cheddar soup. i mean, not that you need ALL of that but do you feel like you do? damn right you do. so you eat it even if you don't like the fact that the chicken strips are so god damn fried tasting and want the breading off. but damnit, for some reason that seems like the worlds cure all.

you know what i fucking liked when jon first contacted me? i liked the fact that i could NOT stop thinking or smiling about that fucking guy. for once i thought i found a reason to be happy and that things were maybe headed in a better direction. it's not that i've lost all hope entirely, it's just i'm a girl and i have feelings. and when shit like this is going on you really begin to feel like you have no one to turn to. why? because 'Jane' says "fuck him, guys are so stupid." and 'Teresa'says "god im so happy for you. things will work out. be patient, he has things to figure out. he wouldn't have contacted you and thats his fault that he did when hes in the situation that he is.".
situation?
yeah, i guess i didn't take those early messages with the word 'girlfriend' in them too seriously. its definitely a big deal. and god fuck damnit. i get so mad just thinking about it.
i feel like this is a majority of my issue because im the one that fell for it all. but if he would just man up and communicate more with me, or figure out his fucking situation, this would be a lot easier. i don't think he understands what he's putting me through. I'M A GIRL GOD DAMNIT!

i really don't know what i just wrote about. i swear it was the culvers talking. but now i feel like shit and am still mad. i don't win, i tell ya.


i think a bath is in order. goodnight world.

what being a gemini does to you.

has you bi polar one day, has you feeling great the next hour.
being a gemini has its ups and way downs.

i'm not sure how much i love being so two-sided.
today i have gone through 3 sets of emotions:
1) woke up sad and unsatisfied
2) decided that what i'm probably thinking is going to be something great might not be all that great at all. that i shouldn't get my hopes up and i should back down. that i was in over my head.
3) that maybe things are okay. that i need to be patient. patience is key. you haven't heard any news from him yet and that you need to just wait it out. who even knows how beautiful things can go.

i'm not sure what kind of emotions the rest of the day holds, but i know that i need to not get my undies in a bundle.

by the words of my best friend:
"Just try to look at it positively. This could never have happened. I guarantee you that your life is more exciting now than it was two weeks ago!"

and she is correct, my friends.

day 6 of the jon journey.

the easiest way to update is by saying that it is going great.
we have discussed things that i never thought would come to be. our communication is hard because hes not quite as tech savvy as he should be with me being too many miles away from him.
he called me last night and it felt so good. his voice was just as i remembered it and like it hadn't been two years since i'd last heard it.

it was hard to even talk really. i was in such awe that i didn't know what to say. i asked him how all of this came to be. and he said-
"i have always thought about you. i woke up one morning and decided i needed to contact you."
is it a bad thing that i haven't thought the same? or was it a preconceived notion that i put in my head due to the fact that when i was around him i thought i would have no chance in the world. so naturally now it is hard to believe everything.
his voice did it all though. i don't need any other kind of reassurance that this is real.
i'm waiting to receive a detailed message from him about what is going on. in all honesty i have no idea what to expect. i do expect that it is good news, but it is so hard to wait for something like this. i have been constantly happy since i have heard from him, but this is by far the hardest day of waiting.i practically don't want anyone to text me or message me because i think it may be him. he really needs to practice technology advances ha!
i mean really though, there is no other way of communicating if it is not through something like it.
its a terrible thought that all i want to do is sleep so that i can hear from him faster. its like i just wait because i feel like there is nothing else i can do that will hold me over until then. distractions like "the tallest man on earth" on pandora and blogger truly help the time pass, but i just dont know how im supposed to do this if things do work out. i know that be able to be with him physically will have to be done.

so now i will wait until i get that message that either makes things that much stronger or makes me second guess. i'm not sure. the best part is not having my hopes up due to the fact that i really don't know what he's going to say. i can't even guess it!

all i CAN say is that if this all works out, this 21 year old girl that said she never wanted to have kids until she was like 30, will be doing things a whole lot faster. it may just be a beautiful thing. if i can change or adjust my view on the way i want things to work out in my life, it all may just happen.

isn't that the beauty of it all?

happy happy girl girl

received probably the greatest friend request yesterday and best facebook message today.
wow, i feel like a five year old.
and who might this random messenger be?!
my old boss at the old folks home i worked at.
my old boss that i MAJORLY crushed on.
my old boss that is adorable and a good cook and sarcastic and that looks so cute when he gets mad.
my old boss that lives in portland now.
my old boss that is SINGLE.
my old boss that messaged me back THIS:
"How did I remember you? Hmmm, I guess I used to have a crush on you."

WHAT! WHAT!
aweklfjawlekfj;lajkweflkjaweklfj
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wefkjalwekjfklawefj


BREATHE!
oh kay. wowza.

so happy i could die, but its alright.
fjoaejkwflkawjef!!!!

jlkajo;iwe

im not sure if its this pandora station thats making me sad and wanting..or what.

have you ever looked at someone that you seemed to be attracted to only to realize the reason for the attraction is because that person looks like someone from your past? or maybe present for that matter?

whenever i see a guy that has similar features to dillon, i think "hes cute. i should talk to him." only to realize that duh, its because i'm comparing him to dillon and he's probably nothing like the man i know.

and sometimes i see people that remind me of sawyer. and i think im attracted to them, but again, its only because a guy might look like him. i hate how hauting that is. even if i'm way over the sawyer thing (ha, its been long enough alyssa).

i told my mom how i had a dream about dillon. a detailed one. i looked up some of the meanings of the dream (like a field full of indigo butterflies flying at my feet). she said she wondered how i would feel meeting him after knowing him for 8 years (yes, its been 8 whole years). i said im more than ready. i dreamed that he smelled like nag champa. such a good smell.

anyway, my point i think of this was just to say that its so hard not being able to reach what you want, and to not know the possibilities of a potential relationship.

to me he seems so wonderful, and so out of reach.



((NY vacay post to come..)