here it goes again.

the tears. streaming endlessly down my face. i don't know whats going on with me lately. i am fully aware of the fact that there are people out there suffering way worse than any amount of shit i am going through lately, but i can't seem to grasp it all.
i feel like i am waiting for someone to scoop me up and rescue me. to throw me a better job. to bring that perfect man into my life. both of which i know are either someone i will need to wait for or change myself. is it fair to say i feel as if all hope is lost?
tonight i went out and hung around people that i would never imagine i would spend a thursday night being with. i've been sick of my same scene of being by myself in my bedroom, sitting on my fatass stalking peoples' blogs or constantly photo editing. it was nice to get out. talk to randoms. but i am lacking some serious intelligent conversation. i swear. and i have no fucking idea what will be the relief of all of this.
basically, i want to crawl in a hole and bring my cat with me.

i know i need to breathe. but what else can one do when you have no direction at all?

the red brick wall between you and i.

and the answer that your seeking, for the question that you found, drives you further into confusion as you lose your sense of ground. so don't forget to breathe. your whole life is here.

today was my day to decide that the waiting game is over. i will no longer waste my time caring about someone that couldn't spare a second or two of his time to care back. i will dismiss the way he made me feel from the moment he first found me again to the day i saw him walk out my door. i do not want to even utter the word regret, because it damn well isn't one. it was a lesson. i will always put my feelings on the line, care more, and give a damn. i will no longer fall for temptation. i will return to my selfish way of life.

because who else do i have when there is nothing? me, myself, and i.

i am trying to breathe, focus on the moment, dream, think of better days ahead of me. i wish i could go swimming right now. something is so theraputic about submerging my whole body into a mass of water. the rush of blood to your head as the cold water sends chills down your spine. the big inhale of crisp air when you resurface. refreshing, it all is. i need a little bit of that. 

i will end it with that before i get on a tangent about the random plans moving through my brainwaves. goodnight. and sorry for the bad news.