honestly, i'm being honest.

first let me start with this need item of mine:

make up forever's fuchsia (my god that word is hard to spell) satin lip stick. i had myself a little sample size of it and LOVED wearing it. i'm not sure where the hell it disappeared to and i should probably search for it before i go and spend money i don't have on a new one. BUT, damn i just love it. it's so daring but not red-lips-daring if you know what i mean.


anyhoo-
this post is supposed to be the one that i wanted to write the other day but instead i got high on shrooms with my brother, sister, and some of their friends. it was really an innocent thing. nothing like what i thought it'd be after hearing multiple stories from others' experiences. i actually didn't experience anything until i fell asleep and had some WICKED dreams and woke up at 3 am totally weirded out. very very odd thing. needless to say, i'm not longer afraid of trying them again. this time i wouldn't mind taking a little more of them and seeing things go crazy maybe? maybe i'm crazy for saying that? whatev.

so here's what i've wanted to talk about. i really need to just prove to myself that i am worthy. i feel like i fall behind doubting myself so much whether it comes to the douche bags (hot ones too, ugh) that i date, the fact i have to look at myself in a mirror all day at work and mentally scold myself for the intake of food i've had whilst doing nothing in the break room for 2 hours, the fact that i feel like i'm getting nowhere nor have any direction in my life, and that i'm just a whole lot bigger of a deal (physically and personally) than i think i am. so here's my tell all. my honest of honesty.

• i am often jealous of famous people (i.e. the kardashians) for all envious reasons. when people ask why i just cant explain how simple their lives look when you have money. i know money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure as hell pays the bills.
• i talk to my cat, a lot. i've had more than one person ask me who i'm talking to when i'm in another room as well as them wondering if i've gone crazy. i freaking love talking to her. i know she probably hates it.
• i really enjoy brushing my teeth but only in the morning. i know that's odd, but i just don't really like the way i wake up the morning after i've brushed. its gross and gooey. i'd rather brush for hours that morning to get all the other shit off. 
• i love earrings more than any other jewelry ever. after earrings comes rings. 
• i can't drink out of cups that smell. i will literally sniff them before using. if a plastic cups smells too plastic, dingy, residue-y, or anything of that extent=EW.
• i'm agnostic but often wonder if having faith would bring more hope and happiness to my life. i don't mind a church sermon every 5 years even.
• when i see married couples truly and happily in love, i wonder how that can even occur. i wonder what it must feel like and if its even possible. everything always in time will come.
• i can't stand illinois drivers. just thinking about them makes me cringe. FIBS fo life.
• i wish the doctor would misdiagnose/lie to me and tell me i had a disease in which i needed to lose weight. i feel like putting the notion into my brain just to kick my ass into gear. i know it sounds so bad but really...it would do something for me i swear. 
• i hope to god i don't jinx myself by what i just said.
• i joke about wanting to be a gypsy and just buy a vw van and drive all over doing hair, photography, and experiencing the world. i'm serious though. wouldn't that be so cool? if gas was free too? ha!
• i will never vote again. although i felt strong of my vote for obama during my first year voting, i feel i wasn't as responsible and should've looked deeper into more political aspects of it instead of public opinion. obama is a great man but i'm not sure i agree completely on everything nor will i ever with any other presidential candidate. they all have their downfalls. i will remain neutral. 
• as i've said before, i will always care more. i will always find a way to say sorry after i have ignored someone because THEY were the wrong ones and i just wanted closure even if it's not my fault. i will always still think about someone that i've given up. the good and the bad.
• i have to shut the shower curtain after i shower. if someone before me doesn't, it ticks me- bad.
• i wish i could find the place i could call "home". a place of content. its such a wonderful thought but a lost one at all costs.
• money makes me worry more than anything. sometimes its a good thing because when i think i'm barely scraping by i often find that my worries overcome those fears and i'm fine in the end. somehow i will always find a way to make ends meet (so far!).

alright. i'm cutting myself off at that one. its getting way too late and i'm done thinking at this point. more to come later? probably. most of this blogging is only read by myself in later years than anyone else on the inter web!