its been a year.

a year since he appeared in my life again.
this is so fucking ridiculous that i even think about him. i'll admit he was in a dream the other night. a very vivid one. he was back working at the same place. he seemed like he was back in his "i hate my job state" and i felt as if i was a ghost in the dream and everyone but him saw me. the weirdest part is knowing that it all happened, it ACTUALLY happened. i  don't think of any of that often but when i do i most of the time am proud of the fact that i have grown from that experience. a year later it also marks the time when i thought life would be changed for real. so beautiful. all of it. the excitement and anticipation. my fucking god it eats me up to the core. the day he walked up to my door. i wish it wasn't real. i wish it was all made up.
it wasn't. it was all real. the weather. the hungoverness. the doorbell ringing. the smell of him. the feeling of his lips.
all of it.
real.

why must it eat me up?

things like this almost make me think about other parts of my life which don't feel real. like my family. all i solely have is my mother. that is one of the most depressing aspects of my life that i just keep inside until something bugs me and i bring it out.
i hate to say this but sometimes i think that if i were to go to bed and not wake up, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. to have people know what it's like to not have me around and how significant i am, no matter how i am, who i am. i am in no way suicidal, but i have always had a sense that i won't be on this earth long.
mark. my. words.

if it happens, i'm sorry that i said that. sometimes you just know how your life is supposed to go, and well, that just may be how mine lays out.

i'm not sure what else to say. other than that i'm alone on a saturday night at 1 am drinking a god damn mgd 64 (not of my choice) and crying. thats just fucking wonderful.

there's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.

i'm going to write this blog, listen to some regina, and when i am finished i am going to god damn bed.
i am so sick of worrying about not going anywhere with things, getting pissed off by other peoples copy-catting actions, and issues with the opposite sex. i mean really though, where do you finally cross the line and say ok this is bogus, why am i dealing with this?

let me first start out with this opposite sex issue: you know what? i'm sick of being the one putting all the effort in. what the FUCK is it that you want out of me? am i just your fuck buddy? THEN ADMIT IT. i may sound damn sarcastic when i say it mid-lay but really i'm not even joking. i'd much rather you go get yourself off than have me be your cheap (psh, free) monogamous whore. i can't be nice about that anymore! but no, i will let it continue. i will receive that text that i say, well..why not? STUPID. stupid stupid stupid. ((man, i'm really hoping this nyquil kicks in..))

and this is the time where i declare that i need to focus on myself and that only. how long does that ever work for? not long at all. there is a constant need from other people that crawls hauntingly back into my life before i know it. that's another thing i am so sick of. "can you cut my hair tonight?" "can you take pictures tomorrow?" "can you do everything for me because i know that you just have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!". come ON. you know what would be cool? someone saying "take the day off, do what you want, you deserve it girl!". hell i'm lucky if i can even get a "have a great day!" out of someone on a not so regular basis. acknowledgement is something that has always lacked in my life. do i need to start complementing other people to get exactly that back? i just understand none of that.

i feel like buying something. thats so bad. i already went and spent a random $50 getting my nails shellac'ed tonight. they look pretty and better last long. anyhoo. amazon might just be calling my name. yup i'm going to go do that. bam. its been done. new memory card to be in my possession and some stuff for halloween.

time for bed. i promise someday i'll have something quality to blog about.

someday, somewhere, happiness will be found.

another one of those discouraging days.
days where i wonder yet again if i have made a stupid decision. a decision to start another job that i probably won't be completely satisfied by. a job that leads me to believe that i will never be satisfied anywhere i work unless its completely by myself. i just don't know what to fucking do.

i'm really getting discouraged with photography. this comes in phases. i hate work, i begin to become overly envious of other peoples' work with photog and think that i have no way in hell of making it. i know i have fans. i know i have people looking at my work. i don't have enough money to do this. its so freakin expensive. i have like 4 things on my wish list and its just not happening. if i don't get an external flash like ASAP i'm going to freak out. the image quality is simply not the same. its so so SO annoying. arghh.. i'm sure me getting my ass off the internet and reading a book, taking a bath or doing something more relaxing would solve all of this.

i just don't know what's up. but it's not my life right now thats for sure.

alright. i'm getting into bed or something. this is ridiculous because i know if i get any more memories/thoughts/ideas/etc. in my head, it will explode. that, or tears.

big black god.

so where do i begin on the topic of online dating? oh, i know..right there with that title.
nothing like getting a email that says "bigblackgod21 has messaged you..". alright sweet, lets see what "big black god" has to say...
"man your mighty fine for a white girl"
pshh..ok!? so i reply a "ha! thanks." only to get back an even more entertaining "girl you built for a black guy". again, umm ok?! too bad there's only mere headshots of me on there, but apparently he knows what my body is like? haha. so there's the first good one.
after cleaning all day today i of course landed right at my desk to waste countless hours accomplishing a whole lot of nothing on the internet. anyhoo, i ended up talking to this guy who explains that every girl he dates just ends up ditching him, blah blah blah. tells me how he doesn't like spending money on dates. really?! do you really think that's a good thing to tell a girl that you just 'met'? probably not. then he tells me how he needs a haircut and that at the gym today he was sweating all over the place. anddd thats when i cut him off. hello, really!?! you wonder why girls play the friendship card?! wow.

i'm not really sure why i'm even attempting to find a guy to date through that crap. when they ask if we can meet up sometime, i mostly reply with maybe. they always ask why i'm on the site and what i'm looking for. my god i don't even know the answers to those! umm..i'm here because i'm bored and want to be entertained. if some attractive guy somehow stumbles upon me, well hey! i'm in luck! otherwise no, i don't really care to meet you probably. one mistake i sometimes enjoy making is the "oh yeah you can text me here's my number..." because i'm too lazy to sit at my computer all night. that is followed with endless texts in which every sentence ends with an exclamation point. OK I GET IT. your happy or something. fuck. stop using that shit! i mean really there has GOT to be a better way of doing this thing!

on a different subject: i have been hoaxing myself into believing it is necessary to make a "5 year wisconsin plan", meaning that i will stay for another 5 years, see where i'm at and go from there. i feel like i'm totally restricting myself by doing that but maybe it's the discipline that i need. who knows! yeah, i'm going to think that one over a bit.

this song is meant for me

"tourist" by death cab for cutie. favorite line: a. freaking. men.

if you feel like a tourist in the city you were born then it's time to go define your own destination: there's so many different places to call home.

  a. freaking. men.

 

honestly, i'm being honest.

first let me start with this need item of mine:

make up forever's fuchsia (my god that word is hard to spell) satin lip stick. i had myself a little sample size of it and LOVED wearing it. i'm not sure where the hell it disappeared to and i should probably search for it before i go and spend money i don't have on a new one. BUT, damn i just love it. it's so daring but not red-lips-daring if you know what i mean.


anyhoo-
this post is supposed to be the one that i wanted to write the other day but instead i got high on shrooms with my brother, sister, and some of their friends. it was really an innocent thing. nothing like what i thought it'd be after hearing multiple stories from others' experiences. i actually didn't experience anything until i fell asleep and had some WICKED dreams and woke up at 3 am totally weirded out. very very odd thing. needless to say, i'm not longer afraid of trying them again. this time i wouldn't mind taking a little more of them and seeing things go crazy maybe? maybe i'm crazy for saying that? whatev.

so here's what i've wanted to talk about. i really need to just prove to myself that i am worthy. i feel like i fall behind doubting myself so much whether it comes to the douche bags (hot ones too, ugh) that i date, the fact i have to look at myself in a mirror all day at work and mentally scold myself for the intake of food i've had whilst doing nothing in the break room for 2 hours, the fact that i feel like i'm getting nowhere nor have any direction in my life, and that i'm just a whole lot bigger of a deal (physically and personally) than i think i am. so here's my tell all. my honest of honesty.

• i am often jealous of famous people (i.e. the kardashians) for all envious reasons. when people ask why i just cant explain how simple their lives look when you have money. i know money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure as hell pays the bills.
• i talk to my cat, a lot. i've had more than one person ask me who i'm talking to when i'm in another room as well as them wondering if i've gone crazy. i freaking love talking to her. i know she probably hates it.
• i really enjoy brushing my teeth but only in the morning. i know that's odd, but i just don't really like the way i wake up the morning after i've brushed. its gross and gooey. i'd rather brush for hours that morning to get all the other shit off. 
• i love earrings more than any other jewelry ever. after earrings comes rings. 
• i can't drink out of cups that smell. i will literally sniff them before using. if a plastic cups smells too plastic, dingy, residue-y, or anything of that extent=EW.
• i'm agnostic but often wonder if having faith would bring more hope and happiness to my life. i don't mind a church sermon every 5 years even.
• when i see married couples truly and happily in love, i wonder how that can even occur. i wonder what it must feel like and if its even possible. everything always in time will come.
• i can't stand illinois drivers. just thinking about them makes me cringe. FIBS fo life.
• i wish the doctor would misdiagnose/lie to me and tell me i had a disease in which i needed to lose weight. i feel like putting the notion into my brain just to kick my ass into gear. i know it sounds so bad but really...it would do something for me i swear. 
• i hope to god i don't jinx myself by what i just said.
• i joke about wanting to be a gypsy and just buy a vw van and drive all over doing hair, photography, and experiencing the world. i'm serious though. wouldn't that be so cool? if gas was free too? ha!
• i will never vote again. although i felt strong of my vote for obama during my first year voting, i feel i wasn't as responsible and should've looked deeper into more political aspects of it instead of public opinion. obama is a great man but i'm not sure i agree completely on everything nor will i ever with any other presidential candidate. they all have their downfalls. i will remain neutral. 
• as i've said before, i will always care more. i will always find a way to say sorry after i have ignored someone because THEY were the wrong ones and i just wanted closure even if it's not my fault. i will always still think about someone that i've given up. the good and the bad.
• i have to shut the shower curtain after i shower. if someone before me doesn't, it ticks me- bad.
• i wish i could find the place i could call "home". a place of content. its such a wonderful thought but a lost one at all costs.
• money makes me worry more than anything. sometimes its a good thing because when i think i'm barely scraping by i often find that my worries overcome those fears and i'm fine in the end. somehow i will always find a way to make ends meet (so far!).

alright. i'm cutting myself off at that one. its getting way too late and i'm done thinking at this point. more to come later? probably. most of this blogging is only read by myself in later years than anyone else on the inter web! 

everytime

i go to write a blog when i have this GENIUS idea, i end up reading 80 other ones first. my eyes then proceed to begging me to take my contacts out and my bed starts whispering my name.
SO, since this is happening yet again, i will declare that my next blog with be all about me. all my quirks and the most random shit that makes me. for some reason i feel its extremely important to put it all down and make myself realize that i am GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

no. more. games.

(i'll explain later..)