cat lady.

have you ever watched a cat clean itself? i mean i guess this could go for any animal really, but i'm using veda as my example.
it's kind of amazing in a way. (yes, this is a little bit of wine talking)
you almost wonder how the hell they know how to clean themselves like that. lifting their paw to their chin, licking it, and proceeding to swipe it over the top of their ears and eyes.
i mean they never were taught from their "parents" on how to do that. isn't that really the only way they can learn things like that? or do they just decide one day- "hey, i think this will work if i sit in weird positions, lick my arm, throw my head over my shoulder and lick my back while rubbing my head with my arm."?

hmm..just a crazy and very random thought. but hey, i am also the girl who asks-
"i wonder what it feels like to be the last vegetable picked. like the one that everyone picks up, observes, then throws back with a disappointing look on their face. the one to just get thrown out because they weren't up to par with the others."

haha um, well, i think i've been that person once. in a different way. a non-vegetably way.

this is when i stop with these thoughts and take another swig of wine.

chaotic dreaming (no sleeping aids involved)

last night as i drifted into sleep, i had set my alarm to a decent early time so that i could 'snooze' it for about an hour after. i woke up to it this morning, decided to set it for an hour later, and over two hours later woke to the sound of birds and the sun trying to stream through my curtains. i looked at the clock- 8:51. fucking wonderful, i have to be at work in 9 minutes. thank goodness its my monday because i called work to tell them only to find out it was no big deal, my first client wasn't until 11 anyway.

when i got to work i tried remembering why the hell i slept for so long after that first alarm had gone off. yes, i was extremely over tired from a crazy awesome weekend, but i'm not usually the type to run late (i have a great mental clock). i had been dreaming about denver. i was on 16th street where i had walked every single day of working downtown denver. there were some really crazy things going on, buildings and staircases moving like i was in harry potter or something. this is the second time i've dreamed of denver like this. how when i went to go back i seemed to be lost in chaos. i also remembering trying to board a flight to somewhere. the line to the security was out in the open and surrounded by water. i tried to walk across a pier to make it there. the pier was falling apart and people were starting to freak out. naturally since i am afraid of drowning, i decided to not even try to cross it even more. there was a girl that had dropped her shoe in the water and they were searching for it because apparently she desperately needed that one shoe or security wouldn't let her board the flight.

and that's all i remember really.

so what is the meaning behind all of that madness? i know that i plan to board a flight sometime in june, so is there something here telling me that its not going to be possible? weird. i mean, i'm not positive about anything coming up in the future (because how can you really be?) but i find it all very ironic. and damnit, i sure hope it doesn't involve drowning! maybe it has something to do with sacrificing? i really have no idea.

the post you have all been waiting for...

it happened. the day came. the anticipation built up so crazy that i was shaking from nervousness.
let me throw a couple of words out there:

• complete.
• magical.
• perfect.
• dreamy.
• beautifully unbelievable.

the day started terribly hungover from drinking god knows what in milwaukee at the brewer game saturday night. i rushed to get home, rushed to shower, knocked a picture frame off the wall causing it to shatter because i was moving too fast only come to find out the silly bugger was running late anyway. i tried so hard to settle my nerves and just breathe. i was quite thankful my roommates were around to hear them talk about their drunken adventures from the night before to keep my mind off of the moment. then there it was- DING DONG. hoollllyyyy shiiiiiitttttt! i was so hoping it was one of my roommates pulling a joke on me. i walked down the stairs, glanced through the blinds, and opened the door a crack with a shaky smile on my face and in a low voice said- "hiiiii!"
there he was, right there. i had to remind myself that this was real life.
we hugged so tightly and there he went, his face attempting to turn to lock lips with my own. i must say, that first attempt didn't quite work. i backed away a little, held him, smiled and said yet another something shaky along the lines of "i can't believe you're here." and then we kissed. 
the touching didn't stop. he romantically would find a spot to put his hand. to have our bodies touch constantly. it all felt so good and so normal. like it hadn't been 2 years since i last saw him. there was no difference, besides the fact that i was making out with my ex boss- ha!
we chilled, toured sauk de city (wooo), made a cute dinner of thin crust pizza with slices of tomato and portabella shrooms with a nice side salad. as i had guessed, he laughed at our supply of kitchen utensils. "you guys need some nice knives...". ha. my god i just loved watching him there in my pathetic kitchen, making me dinner, listening to the avett brothers on pandora, and drinking red wine. i could definitely get used to that. played some mario kart, wii bowling and golf, and giggled together. he said how that was maybe his third time playing the wii at all, as he was schooling me in all of the games we played. man how nice it would have been to record all of the things we talked about. i'm trying so hard to recall everything.

everything just seemed so right. the timing, the waiting game, the everything. honestly for as much bad luck i seem to think i have, what the fuck were the chances that that situation turned out so beautifully? i didn't get any sleep last night. i literally tossed and turned all night hoping to be able to score a more comfortable cuddle pose with him. i hope i didn't come off needy, but having him that close just felt so good. this morning seeing him go was extremely hard. i had been anticipating it all morning which i know i shouldn't have, but it was hard not to. it seemed like he had just got here, that i just answered that door to see him standing behind it. there it was already. him gathering his belongings, freshening up a bit, and the both of us walking to go downstairs to the door. we hugged, kissed, and i told him how much i was going to miss him and that i was probably going to cry. we both in low voices yet again, said our goodbyes.

i turned to go back upstairs and my tear ducts started to fill. i walked into my room and looked at the bed in which we had just shared a nights rest. i cried. there i was fucking crying. ME! about a guy! it happened. my feelings are so fucking crazy for him that i can't even bare to see him leave me like that. yes, he had a flight to catch, but man that was hard. i pressed my nose to the pillow he had slept on trying to get every last scent of him. and there i cried, more and more. i preceded to spend all day being a little mopey. i really am not normally like that but things have just changed. i care a lot about him. i actually want to BE around a man for once, give him my all.

ahhhhhh. so here i will sit for another couple of months and wait. i'm fairly sure i'll be flying out to see him maybe in june but i can't really call the shots on that yet. for pete's sake, i don't even know how he feels about all of this. (by his amount of affection, i would think he felt the same, but you really never know). 

that's really all, folks!