fuck.

why did i just do that?
why did i just see that?
why did i just facebook stalk that?
mother FUCK.


i just crushed myself to pieces within a whole mere 2 minutes.

i found what i didn't want to find. i saw something i didn't want to see. i feel like i just ruined so many things for myself. yet deep down, i know i'm fine.

i went to simply look at some pictures of jon on his facebook when i ran into some newly tagged ones as of the middle of february of his little weekend vacay to his aunt and uncles beach house.

there she was, the ex, perched on the arm of the chair with him. i didn't know who he spent that weekend with and really have no right to be upset but wow. this just hit me like a ton of unexpected bricks.

why must i feel so torn by this? so ruined? it makes no sense at all but all i want to do is cry. there is this doubt creeping through my bloodstream and into my brain. this unfair, sick feeling. i need to not take this the wrong way but can't help but feel like this. i was just about to text him to call me tonight when he got done working because i miss him so fucking much then BAM- one wrong quick decision to feed myself a photographic memory of his face.

god. damnit.

what. is. my. fucking. issue?

stories of a long ass weekend

woah! so here i am. i survived a chaotic/fun/amazing weekend behind the shutter of my camera.

it was weird, this time photographing a wedding, when i took the camera away from my face i didn't feel as if the whole world got huge in front of me. (looking through a view finder for hours on end can make you a little dizzy).

so lets recap. i've got a couple stories.

1) a beautiful wedding

2) intriguing/weirdo tall guy

3) good news on the romance front

4) a naughty new purchase

here goes:

1) this weekend i was honored to be able to capture the wedding day of my 3rd cousin and her now husband, brandon. as usual i was nervous as hell but excited at the same time. the day started off moving kind of slow, but before we knew it it was time to do formal shots in the church. now the real big negative of the day was that the pastor wouldn't let us take practically ANY photos of the ceremony. "i don't like the clicking noise that it makes the whole time". um ok? thats called the click of a shutter..kind of essential when well..photographing. so yeah, he was a big pain in the ass but whatever. on a side note: i photographed the wedding with my friend sam, a part-time photographer that does amazing and similar work as myself. we were both slightly panicked when we were told ceremony pictures were limited (fuck!). we got as many as we could and it seemed to be ok. after the ceremony the couple invited us to join the wedding party on their school bus. this worked awesomely because it was snowing buckets and my car drives like shit in wisconsin weather. it seemed like everything turned out so pretty in a very relaxed manner. i had some sort of doubt that i wouldn't have enough good photos, but after hours of editing, i have proven myself wrong. woooo! so it went awesome! here's a pic :)

2) at the wedding there were these insanely huge (tall) men there. now i really wasn't doing too much socializing due to the fact i was supposed to be capturing moments throughout the reception. so later on when the dance started, i had my camera on the dance floor taking shots when one of the huge guys came up to me and asked if he could take a picture. im pretty damn protective so i was like "ok, as long as i can monitor you". so i did as he got these practically ceiling shots. he started to talk to me, was nice and rather interesting. after some point, we went our separate ways and i retired my camera for the night. then it was time for me to hit the bar. i was so exhausted from getting little sleep and shooting the wedding all day that a drink was really the last thing on my mind. but eh, i drank anyway. things weren't looking up so i decided to stop and did a little resting at a near by table. then there came tall boy again. sat down by me, and did a little more mingling. he had an interesting way of talking to me. said "touche" a lot and seemed to really get into my head. he wanted to take a picture of me and i said no but eventually let him. at one point he said how i should stay and hang out with him and i kept saying "i am right now. im hanging out with you" because i really did not want to deal with this drunken fool for much longer. so there he sat, picking my brain until eventually he said something along the lines of "i like you." and the only response i had was "thank you."he kept assuming i didnt like him back and i really didnt have much to follow up with that because come on dude, i just met you! theres no way in HELL i like you back. ha! i decided later to go out with everyone after the reception was done. then tall boy continued to "like me" but was acting reallllll drunk at that point. i mingled with some people and wound up by him yet again by the end of the night. i had about 4 people come up to me and say 'he likes you, you should talk to him'. really dude?!? REALLY!?!? come on... but i gave in. gave him some of my time. where'd that get me? it got me to having this guy who is like twice as tall as me (i'm 5'4) grabbing my face and pulling me in for a violent kiss.

yes, violent kiss. it was intriguing. it was odd. it was demanding and abusive. it was just all too wrong. of course i don't mind a good makeout sesh, but not in front of people in a bar or with a guy that was obviously not my type. but whatever. it kept happening. he kept picking my brain, kept calling me babe, and kept sucking face withme. my mind was twisted with emotion. confused and not confused at the same time. a really fucking weird feeling. and then...

3) jon text me sunday morning. he officially ended things with "the girl". there it was- what i've been waiting for and for some reason, couldn't find the right emotion that day. why did i feel so different? different in a mediocre way? why didn't i feel fucking FABULOUS?! he's MINE now. isn't this the part of the movie where i go running through daisy fields and rejoice in a love song? hmm..i seemed to have cut that part out. when he called later that night, i had this nervous tick. this urge to not answer because i just fucking couldnt. but i didn't. i answered and was flustered and nervous. the conversation wasgood but i still had that weird feeling.

maybe this is a feeling of being content? a feeling that things are right in my universe? its time to start looking up, girlfriend. and that i will attempt to do. why? because hes MINE. well.. kind of ;)

4) dun dun DUNNNNNN!!!!!

i am typing this new blog on a new little gadget i purhi'ed today. not so little gadget i should say. what is this little thing of mine? a brand spankin new iMac 21.5" puter. whoops! and its fucking beautiful. and huge. and ifuckingdeal for photo editing. its so in-your-face its delicious.

me=happy girl. watch out.

((oh and, maris- love you girl. thanks for reading))